Preparing to heal

Although I was enamored with the beautiful way my city was dealing with this tragedy, it would be nearly a week until I found the words to post again. And only then at the thought of attending the Sunday night vigil at Lake Eola.  It came as the suggestion of a friend who I had dinner with on Wednesday night.  3 of us sat and talked openly about the week and it seemed cathartic to me in some strange way to allow words to cross my lips and hear the sounds of grief that were my own voice speaking to those I trusted and held close but also 2 people who were experiencing this all with me. I decided that although I had a hectic week and my work schedule would be a rough combination with an evening vigil, being out amongst friends and sharing this impossible agony with others might somehow serve to relieve some of the deep agony tearing apart the fiber of my very being. I was about to find out that it would be much more than that.

The morning of the vigil my thoughts were with what I was about to experience and my emotions and words spilled easily onto the page allowing me to post not just about my feelings but a call to action to those in my life. 

“This last week the weight of grief upon me for people I never knew has been consuming yet confusing. The emotions I have for what occurred in Orlando last week are not those of fear but of penetrating sadness. But having not lost anyone I loved personally I questioned why I felt so much deep pain and loss.

Then I realized that what I am feeling is the loss all of us should feel when a light has been extinguished from this world. It is our earthly connection to all of humanity, a tiny invisible thread that has been severed and frayed like a nerve ending temporarily exposed to the rawness of the bitter wind. We should all, somewhere in the depths our beings, feel this loss.

But what I have learned of this city is that the darkness left by 49 lights going out at once has the power to be matched by the illumination of thousands in their honor. So tonight I will stand in solidarity side by side with my dearest friends and a few thousand others and share grief as we light candles at Lake Eola and remember what was stolen from all of us a week ago and begin to heal together.

So wherever you are tonight, light a candle. Light it for Orlando. Light it for the lives lost here. Light it for humanity. Light it for the difference each of us can make individually in this world and for the power that comes when we all stand together as one. Light it because as long as there is good in this world it will overcome evil. Let it represent the light that is, and has always been in each of our hands and should always be in our hearts. Because that is the light that has the power to change the world. #WeAreOrlando #OrlandoStrong”

The afternoon called for a last minute trip to the dollar store to fill up on all the “vigil” needs we had…sidewalk chalk (which we failed to use), bubble wands (who doesn’t love the joy of bubbles), regular wick based candles (those tall ones that we could leave at the memorial) and special battery operated candles with rainbow colored lights.  I found a perfect one amongst the boxes of candles.  It was pink and had the words “Be Strong, unstoppable, kind, honest, determined, loving …be Brave” on it.  It was exactly the candle for me to hold at this vigil and to eventually leave at the Dr. Phillips Center memorial to inspire the rest of the mourners.